I believed in God so much I challenged him and I didn’t know him. I would quote people who were quoting his word. I believed in God so much I refused to be patient enough to read his word. I didn’t sit long enough to give my time to any spiritual works. I read books by individuals who praised God. They thanked God for being able to write the book I was holding and I didn’t know him. I didn’t read the good book, but I allowed people to tell me what was in it. I called the book hypocritical. What is more hypocritical than using someone else’s talking point for why you won’t do something and calling yourself real? Claiming to know yourself. I was proud of my foolishness. I was in positions of leadership saying stupid things like “I am not their role model”. I didn’t want to be a role model. We are all a role model. There is no point when we are not a model of what is possible in life. I was a proud fool. I was scared, but I denied my fear and clung to things that made me feel strong. 

Then I went and sought knowledge. I gained wisdom. I gained enough wisdom to build an ego that thought it was the reason. I felt right in all the ways I felt counted. I was narcissistic. I was self absorbed. I felt flawless just because I had not done what others were being tortured by. “Couldn’t be me”. “How did they let that happen?” I was lost. I was ignorant. I was ill informed. Eventually my question was answered through my own trials. I am cautious when judgements fill my space because I am in no place to pass judgement on the outcomes people get in their lives. I’ve met people who have had some painful beginnings. Painful beginnings they have not overcome. They were not given the perspectives many of us are blessed to have. At earlier points in my life I had so many perspectives that I believed I was invincible. “I won’t get caught by the pitfalls of life.” But there are spaces where logic has no value. Where life is so quick that you could die and not know what killed you. There are spaces where a genius is rendered ineffective. Grace must be given.

In this country we are afforded far more grace than we make the time to realize. I have had grace that sounds unreal. I’ve told stories to people and they continually confirm it. Know God for yourself. My mother said so often “study to show thyself approved.” Where is that from? The book I wouldn’t read. Lean on God. I don’t have the answers for you. I can only direct you to him. I will give my experiences, but I must always let you know that this is my reality. You will have what is meant for you and you must take the time and do the practice to find that truth. Discernment is needed. Everything will be for your betterment when you walk with God. Be obedient so that you don’t have to learn a lesson more than he needs you to. I will lead you to the water. I will direct you to the wells I drank from. But you must decide to go. And you must decide to drink from the source when you arrive. Bip into it. Bip Bip.